You’re on the cusp of fame; the edge of glory. It’s simply a matter of time until you’re scouted at the bus stop or offered a million pound record deal.
So why wait for the inevitable before launching your celebrity career?
You won’t require an entourage or private jet straight away but can still generate enough hype to be signing autographs in no time at all.
The world is a platform for you to showcase your talents. Strut to the corner shop as if you’re modelling the latest designer gear and practice your Broadway audition in the supermarket. You never know when a talent scout might jump out of the bushes wielding a contract.
As a celebrity, every detail of your life is front page news so it’s imperative to broadcast your thoughts, feelings and activities at all times. Post at least one social network update per minute and employ one of your friends to be paparazzi and document your every move. Footage can be recycled later for your reality show.
It is part of your artistic temperament to express yourself through your image, whether you want to wear a shrimp costume or paint your face purple. The more you segregate yourself from regular citizens the better, so prepare to be as outlandish as possible.
It won’t be long before everyone’s staring at you anyway, so you might as well get used to it. Harness your inner Gaga and unleash those controversial costumes.
Most importantly, celebrities don’t make eye contact with the general public so always remember to wear shades; preferably the bug eyed kind which cover 70% of your face.
Image credit Gözde Otman via Sxc.hu
Doing a stint in rehab is one of the many rites of passage for a budding celebrity. It’s important to take time out from the stresses of fame, adoration and earning millions to avoid a meltdown.
You may not be able to afford the prestigious rehab centres just yet but you can always pop along to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or weight loss class and exaggerate the details later.
Not only will you be able to refer back to your former struggles and impossible rise to fame, but a suitable sob story will come in handy when appearing on reality shows.
There’s no such thing as bad publicity. Anything that attracts attention is good and the more scandalous the better. Conducting an affair or getting arrested is a celebrity’s ticket to notoriety.
However, although celebrities are above the law, average citizens aren’t. Be careful when generating scandal by vandalising your neighbour’s conservatory or releasing dodgy pictures of a local politician. Chances are you won’t be able to blame it on the method acting and may just end up in jail.
If the worst happens, you can at least rest assured that serving time in jail is another rite of passage ticked off the list.
You’ve made an impression on your local community and now it’s time to reach out to the wider world. Hire an intrepid team of copywriters to slip you seamlessly into the consciousness of ‘virtually’ everyone.
Create your own Wikipedia page, start mentioning yourself in showbiz gossip columns and link yourself to other celebrities. You can even make a start on that bestselling autobiography so that it’s ready to go as soon as you hit the big time.
It’s not presumptuous, it’s practical.